5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
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*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Stop sending me this shit.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*