.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
brian had himself a morning…
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?