Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Not all heroes wear capes…
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Who did it better?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.