The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
be careful
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s