I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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when there are deer in the woods
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
whatcha thinkin bout
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way