Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
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I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
😂 amazing answer
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*