[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
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*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Ah..makes sense now
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Netflix and awkward silence?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?