Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
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I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien