I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
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[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to