Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
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Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.