I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night