High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.