My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.