My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.