I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
i wish i could marry a nap
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.