My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Oh hi lol
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Would you wear it?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.