gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
A game married people play.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
(2022)
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”