We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
They’re the worst 😩
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.