I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Become ungovernable.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My boss called in sick of me
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.