Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”