Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
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[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you