I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
You Might Also Like
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.