Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Chicken bread
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.