*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
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Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”