I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
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No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.