Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
pep talk
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.