I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
my mind
You just read my mind
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second