*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.