TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
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My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case