OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
sensitive skin
Danger is very dangerous