If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
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Yes my dude
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.