A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
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My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
How can I say no to this ?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.