Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
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[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
🤣🤣
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.