“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.