“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
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[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Smells like a challenge to me
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered