‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME: