My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.