When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
You Might Also Like
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?