Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
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This is Sparta
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My work here is don’t.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay