Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth