“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
this is what they would have looked like, though
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
ibopfufen
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”