I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
This is my bus stop.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…