I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
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a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I am HOWLING at this
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha