Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
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me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”