♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.