it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.