ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
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Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.