The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Yes my dude
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam