This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.