I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)